- So, there is a “women-friendly porn” category on many porn sites.
- Congrats… is this an official statement that the rest are NOT women-friendly?
Damn… and I don’t even want to pick an argument. I just want to clear this out.
Damn… and I don’t even want to pick an argument. I just want to clear this out.
You know that moment, when you are in a situation in which you have to argue with someone about stuff they have no idea what they are talking about? Yeah… THAT moment. I DESPISE talking about sex work, sex workers and the topic of legalization of prostitution… mostly because regardless of their position, all I hear is “let me tell you my important male opinions about sex work”… which is… NO.
I am sure there are plenty of men who work in such a line of work… their opinions are needed and valued and required… the opinions I DON’T want to hear about are the people who don’t GET the context behind why sex work is such a big deal for women, regardless if they engage in it or not.
See… however empathic you are, however much you care, you simply CAN NOT understand why the concept of being penetrated/performing sexual acts and etc. is not just a “job”. Of course people should have the right to choose what they work. However… should we discuss in details how much of a choice it is for the people who had the education, background and other options but shill chose it and the person, who works in the field because they need the money, can’t find anything else suitable and etc.? Should we discuss trafficking? Should we discuss the women who walk the streets? Because I am uninterested in discussing the high-end escorts, their voices ARE important AND needed, they should not be trumped over, however, people prefer to think about them (especially if they are men) and convince themselves how much money those women make, that they have options, security and that all do it, because they like it. It is possible that it is true for some of them, I always feel incredibly uncomfortable listening men argue that legalised prostitution is the solve-all issue of sex work. Come the fuck ON. Even if you support people making their own choices in regards to sexuality and everything else, there still is the moment that there are very, very, very few people who spend time thinking about the rest of the people involved in the industry, you know… those, who don’t have it so good? When we discuss social issues, we shouldn’t look at those who are the least affected and have the most security, we should look at the most vulnerable.
And I really dislike it men talking about sex work (unless they are sex workers themselves or heavily involved, experience in the field and etc.) because most of them can’t possibly even get the concept of “having sex while female”… and most don’t want to know or understand. Even if they are those rare individuals who actually sit down and think, read and have done their feminist homework on the matter of women and sex work, their opinions are still those of NOT DIRECTLY AFFECTED IN ANY WAY by how society treats female sexuality.
This is… a rant. I am sorry, I just feel really, really uncomfortable. I am not saying men can’t have valid arguments, points or opinions… it’s just that I feel uncomfortable listening to men explaining how getting penetrated on command (or performing sexual acts) should not be treated as a big deal and is not a big deal.
How about all of you imagine or try the whole thing first… oh, most of you wouldn’t like it and wouldn’t do it? Geez… but it’s so easy when it’s someone else private parts.
Fuck this shit.
On the top of your lungs. Whisper it.
Say it… out loud. Laugh it. Ask it. Claim it.
Write it down. On a post-it…. on your phone, on your facebook wall, on the street, at home…
Just don’t ignore it, forget it, push it out of your mind and pretend it doesn’t exist, it is not important, it can’t be done.
It sounds waaay too much girl-powery but it is also so very true. Don’t keep mum about liking sex… don’t get me wrong… this is your business and your business alone (and whoever you are involved with) but don’t accept the narrative that you couldn’t/shouldn’t/wouldn’t like sex or that you are doing it wrong… unless you are doing it for the wrong reasons, with the people who are not a good idea and they don’t treat you right. Then push back and do it on your terms.
But don’t accept meekly the labels… it is not big of a deal but your sexuality is your business, not someone else’s work to define, control, claim or deny.
If you have questions, ask them, if you need to talk about it, do it…
I have been toying with the idea for a while now. It sounds interesting. It… sounds… interesting. I can not explain why I have not done it before. It never got as an option with exp. 1. It has been never discussed with exp. 2. With exp. 3.
Boy, did we discuss it. But we talked about everything with exp. 3… sex was just part of everything.
The movies are NOT a good way to learn about this. It is a lot more fun in the real life… messier… complicated and easy at the same time. There should be talking, you have to KNOW why you are doing it. It should NEVER be because of him (her). In hopes of saving a relationships. Because someone told you to do it… you need to have a desire, to feel aroused by the concept, by the idea and to figure out if you really want to try it. Only then you should proceed with the hardest part, finding someone.
And is it hard or is it hard to find someone for it. Talking about sex is complicated. People don’t want to sound like prudes… also, like sluts/whores/whatever derogatory term there is about women enjoying sex there is. People want to sound hip and cool but also rational and thinking. They think what the rest would say, they also are afraid of what YOU will say. Most people are afraid he/she will like it more, that THEY will like it too much or not enough. That it is because something is wrong with the relationship. They will feel confused and ashamed, also self-conscious.
Thinking of friends to boink… wow, is it going to destroy friendship and relationships? What if it is awkward? What next? Would that become a regular thing? It wouldn’t be like in the porn… it shouldn’t be like in the porn.
Lots of confusion and second thoughts. You should be clear for yourself and for your partner. You should discuss it with the guest… but not too much. Too much talking and the moment will be lost.
You need to find location and clear out at least some things, where are the borders, what is everyone and each of you comfortable with and with what they are not. Once done… go for it.
Sometimes the guest may run away, scared or could chicken out… or one of you, maybe you?
Sometimes someone is running in their head from something else. “Not on the mouth. Don’t remove the underwear. Only you can touch/do something to me/to the other one/two…”. Sometimes it is complicated.
The rule to remember… safe, sane, consensual. Should you take care of their emotional state? Yes… and no. Avoid people who you know would not react well to this. Wanting it is not a reason to abuse yourself/them and you should avoid it. Sex and intimacy should be fun, not a tool or a reason, an excuse or something else. You want to give and receive joy and happiness, it is not a chore or a way to pay someone back (a spouse, a friend/whatever), it should not be a tool.
There will be funny noises. There will be incorrect moves, words, gestures. There would be headbutts. Scratches… wrong moves… you will improve. NEVER be selfish in pleasure. NEVER do something you don’t feel comfortable with or the other(s) are (is) not.
Bathrooms and taking baths are a good idea. Especially after. Maybe sometimes before or at the same time of it. Sharing is caring they say…
Have fun. Don’t overthink it but be clear and rational, so nobody feels remorseful or guilty.
Ask for more…
Also, it is opposite day. 🙂
I have been thinking about making a blog in which I write, muse, scribble and generally touch the topic of sex for a while now, however, I always didn’t have the time, the energy nor… the right state of mind to commit myself to it. And now… out of the blue, without a particular reason, here I am, late at night, sitting in my bed and finally beginning this project.
As stated on top of the blog, this is going to be about sex, kink and feminism.
Why sex? Well, because I have some things I’d like to discuss and thing about in these areas.
I have identified as a feminist for quite some time now, I don’t want to have to be part of discussions where people are NOT aware that I am a feminist, just because I don’t want to participate in the kind of discussions for which places like Finally a feminism 101 blog exist, they are already doing it better than I can.
Kink… that is a bit harder. I have realised some time ago that I have the weird situation of unable to pinpoint any particular fetishes or kinks… or at least I don’t see them as fetishes or kinks… I just think I am turned on by some ideas but for me they are completely normal and everyday things, nothing taboo about them (in my head) nor something that requires special label. I have spent enough time thinking about sexuality (reading, writing, educating myself as well) and somewhere along the way, my view on the topic has skewed, I am told that some of my interests in bed (and outside of it) could be defined as kink, so… there you go, I am putting the word out there, something like a question for me to analyze, something of a fair warning and something like “so… now what?” towards me.
Still figuring out some stuff, mainly, what I like and why, what influenced me and how it is all changing. In my late teens and early twenties, I remember regularly reinventing the wheel in the process and vaguely being pissed at why I haven’t read about these things (post factum the reinvention of course), well… this is for my past self mostly. 🙂
It is such a peculiar phrase, isn’t it? When you hear it, it doesn’t matter how you feel, you stop dead in your tracks and you begin mentally assessing yourself “Happened? What has happened? Do I have something on my face? Did I step onto something? What?”… then it dawns on you… or rather, me, because this is the phrase that greets me from time to time by random-ish people some days. See.. this is the problem, it happens from time to time, so I always get my guard down, I forget about it and the next time WHAM!, I am surprised again when I hear that particular phrase (or one in the similar vein) said by some well-meaning colleague/the barrister in the coffee shop or an acquaintance.
Alas, as usual… nothing has happened to me, it is just my regular look, if I haven’t spend 40 minutes working on my hair and it just sits there, on top of my head, like a confused mess, which cannot decide if it wants to be straight, somewhat curly or wavy, nor it has the heart to commit to such a choice… so it chooses all of the above, for my frustration.
I know, so many words for something as mundane as hair… hear me out. See, having so much hair on the top of my head is a new experience for me… up until… and year ago, I’d grow my hair to the bottom of my ears at best and then I’d chop it off. It is an easy enough hairstyle, it doesn’t require a lot of work and my hair is somewhat tidy and nice. However… I have realised that I have never ever had long hair, which struck me as little odd for someone above 25 years old and I wanted to try something new.
Well… it is not a complete coincidence, actually, it was completely intentional. While I was growing up, I hated the “don’t chop your hair off, you look better with longer hair/you are a girl/you look like a boy/why would you cut your hair, is that a statement or something?” and variations of that, seriously, it pissed me off, mainly because something as simple as choosing the length of my hair has become a socio/political statement somehow. I wasn’t cool with that, so… short hair, also, I liked myself better with shorter hair anyway.
So… I have long(er) hair now and have stumbled into the questionable joy of having to take care of the said hair. I now own a shampoo… several actually, some quite expensive, a conditioner (several), a mask, a special brush made out of wood and some other mysterious items to keep my hair under control. However, when I don’t use them… I get people making stupid statements about how I look. Which… is not that much different than before, unfortunately, just a bit different and vaguely making me feel uncomfortable about how I look. See, I don’t have the 80es curly hair, nor I have the sexy, messy, completely tv made up hair of the tv idea of an artist, it is simply bushy, for the sake of being bushy and nobody can figure out why.
And… it is just one of those days, I had no better idea how to start this blog, so there you are, 560 words about my hair. HA! 🙂